Carry Me Through

Here I am once again feeling lost. But I know deep down inside I am not because I am with the Lord. I just lose sight of Him sometimes.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. - Deuteronomy 31:6


I must admit I have read and heard this particular passage thousands of times. Yet I know when a person feels desperately alone, it is a heavy reminder that God is with us at all times. And normally our loneliness is God's way to draw us closer to Him. Perhaps that is what God is doing in this time where our nation is seeking a way that works when there seems to be no way.

God is that way. He is the one that will know exactly where we are. He will know the path to lead us to. He will help us put one step in front of the other. He is the Hope and the only Hope we will ever need. Now It is very hard for someone to understand when they have never relied on God to truly understand how amazing it feels to know God is with you. The only thing I can even compare it to is let's say you are a smallest of smallest creatures and you have the biggest of biggest creatures standing in your corner. In a way, a permanent invisible body guard to protect everything about you. However it is only when we as humans humble ourselves that we will then and only eventually see that body guard. The coolest thing is that God is so much more than that.

So of course like I said if you don't believe in God, I get it. Its hard to believe in something that you may believe doesn't exist. One of the few things I can say is have Hope. Have Hope that there is more to come.... more than you could ever imagine.

And what do we do until then? Keep working hard. Keep your passion alive as much as you can. I say this out of experience. Now don't get me wrong it is easier to type that do sometimes... well most of the time. But God does promise us that we will have land we never worked and food we will never produce. Ironically isn't that the truth now... I may love avocados but I wouldn't know the first thing on how to grow one. Lol.

So I gave you a land on which you did not toil and cities you did not build; and you live in them and eat from vineyards and olive groves that you did not plant. Joshua 24:13


Honestly though, what happens when we don't see any of it. We wait and wait... work and work... and we are down on the last count... I honestly don't know.... God has always provided a way for me. Always. And perhaps that is why I have believed because time and time again... it may not have been the exact way I wanted to be saved or found but God always has. I have been really peaceful in a tragedy. I have found food in my tummy when I didn't have a dollar in my pocket. I have had blessings come in all forms, shapes or sizes when I desperately needed it after I have prayed begging God to provide a way. Most of the times it is not easy but it is the ONLY road that I fully trust... it is the only road that I know that God will always be there to carry me through.

One step at a time.

My life is completely a mess and yet sometimes I feel like its all my fault. I made a choice to stop writing because I wanted to live my life instead of writing about it. Yet over a year later since I have written, I realized my writing is what grounded me; it helped me realign my center. So I am starting new. After a year of starting a relationship, losing my job, quitting another (which I know most ppl are facing), and then getting engaged... I wrote nothing about it. But now that I am here, I just want things new. I need a life makeover.

I almost feel like moving again. But where would the next step take me. I know its the simple movement of putting one foot in front of the other. However I have stumbled so many times I need to regain my strength. I guess in the end just like I have forgotten how to write, I have forgotten how to walk. I need to first figure out where I am going and that's a choice that gets really scary at times. I think partly because I continue to rely on other people to guide me. Guide me to the direction I should be moving towards... And now its all on me. My choice to go where I want to go. Who I want to be with and how I am going to get there.

There's a saying that you need to wipe out the excess to get to the good stuff. Well I am finding what to focus on and I don't want anything clouding my view. However I need to figure out what I want and what I don't want. I used to have a plan... and now I am making a new one. One that includes a start to a career, healthy relationships with family, friends, and my fiance, as well as seeking and fulfilling my spirit with a relationship with God. Soul, mind, Body. I know I can do it. Lets just see how fast I can put one foot in front of the other without stumbling. One step at a time.