marvel

In time we all come to moments where we question everything that we once knew and where we are going. I just imagine that life is always this complicated. Complicated because of the daily choices that may seem so simple can eventually castrophically change our lives. It makes me think of how connected and intertwined we all are. This has been my first blog for at least 5 months.... and there's a lot a reasons for that. One I haven't felt inspired to write, which is honestly odd for me. I have written of course on myspace and on facebook but I tend to leave this blog for things that are worth keeping around. Things that I would like to keep to be able to reflect where I have come from and seen where I am going.

And maybe that's just it, since before May I haven't been going anywhere until this past week. A lot of things happened to get me to this point, I had to give up my cell phone... so that took the majority of "distractions" in my life, then I got a new job which I don't start till Monday and think that is why I am writing now.


My life hasn't been the same since I graduated school. I always want to reflect on the amazing friends I had. Because even till this day, they are the most amazing people that have been in my life. My friends have all played a role in my life... and I am having hard time not wanting that still. Katie has and will probably always be my best friend. I pray for the days that we get to spend time together. She's only an hour away right now but it sucks that we don't get to go to our 3am trips to Wal-mart together (which we always did in school). My girls Brianna, Tami, Liz, Lynn, Maria and the one guy of our group Nick. We had a blast together. Tami will always be one of the best girls in my life. She always made me feel like I was this bright shiny light, like my worth was so valuable to this world and the impact I could make was endless. Liz always made me want to live for more. She drew out strength from me that I never thought I had. Lynn, precious beautiful Lynn. She reminds me of how wonderful God is. How He can created so much power in the depths of one's soul. She isn't the best but she shines just the same. It's like you get to see God in her. He amplifies how amazing she is. It's hard to explain. Nick has rocked my world. He still does. Probably one of the few guys I let fall asleep in my bed and it didn't matter that the bed was too small for both of us. Lol. He's been one of those that my soul has connected with only because we agree much on love. He let me feel like I wasn't the one going crazy or maybe that we were just crazy together. We always said we were the glue to the group and neither of us figured out why. My beautiful Bri... she is still passionately playing a vivid role in my life. She's made me calm. Never lacking the sense to claim the waves that bother me and bring sense to it all. She knows of all the drama in my life but chooses to say the words that make me feel like it is going to be better than okay.


Katie my best friend. She's my alter-ego. Always being that spunky girl I wish I could be. I'll never be as beautiful as she is but yet she lets know that the world has always been at my fingertips. She never fails to drive me crazy and light up my life. She is the only one that has seen me at my worse. I'm sure she doesn't have a clue of all the times she has been there for me. The one moment that stands out in my mind is when just everything in my life had come to a breaking point. She was just driving, we stopped a red light (with no cars around for miles -it was of course in the middle of the night) and I just started crying. She put the car into park and didn't say anything. She just let me cry because without me saying a word, she knew what was in my heart. After the light had changed several times (still thankfully no other cars), she was like Kat, you got it all out. With tears still wet on my face, I said ya. And then she continued on our drive back home. Later of course she asked what my crying was all about only because she knew only then did I want to talk about it. Like I said, she's my best friend. And of course that is only one of the moments. Eternally she will be my soulmate and I hope my future husband understands me as well (if not hopefully more) as she does.


And that's just it, I have been so blessed by what these people have done in my life. It's hard to move on from that when no one here has touched my life so powerfully. But I think that's because I've been scared. Really scared. That isn't meant to discredited certain new people in my life. Like Michael and Robert. Though of course neither will be my Katie but that's a good thing. Michael has the potential to give the world a gift that only he can give. I am truly certain that God is going to use him in this magically way that is nothing short of marvelous. Why you ask because in my eyes I can see the unseen in him. God always says don't look and the seen but look for the unseen. Michael is truly this. I don't think that he realizes that he lights up a room without being there because his life echoes. He is missed when he's not present and I know that he never knows about that. Hence I know that the choices he makes (which in my eyes are pretty damn awesome), well he'll make an impact on this world. I know he has made an impact on me. And Robert. He doesn't know how special he is and how much he drives me crazy. The patience that he possess impresses me so much. And to a point shows me this kindness of his heart that he won't ever begin to admit that he has. He doesn't get credit for what he does have but I think it has to start with him. And like I said he drives me crazy because for a guy he is more complex than what I could imagine but there is this depth to his soul that is truly remarkable and I have been blessed that he has shared his path with me.

So like I said, I am blessed but without a doubt it is hard to let go. I don't know if things will be the same but maybe I can sit and marvel at what the Lord has done.

Beyond measure

After the most blessed week, I've realized one major thing: Tomorrow is never promised. But God has ways to make the bad days go away, and the good days even more apparent.

I started this week with a concert by the Crabb family... it's their last year touring.... I highly recommend them. After seeing these amazing men of God strut their stuff, I realized that since this year has started I've settled for less than I deserve. God has made me his child, his daughter... and I need to start claiming what is His too. I belong to more....more than what others are telling me, more than what I tell myself. This world is trying its best to tear me apart, to tear me down and Satan will use the people closest to me to get me down.

Then started a new job, which after the last one which tore my spirit apart... I was worried. But again, I learned that there are some amazing people still out there.

Then the week just continued, talking with friends, new music, joining in fellowship with church members, messages from family....all of which this week lifted my spirit. Sometimes though this isn't the case.

Yet the beauty is that God is faithful, He will rescue me... carry me... give me rest.... remind me of all that I am worth. I am His, I am covered by His blood, bought and paid for with his nail pierced hands. Nothing can change that. Nothing.

So through this I hope you are reminded to. Remind you that every morning God gives you a sunrise to light your way, every day He gives you a choice to praise Him, every night He sends angels to watch over you. He gives you more... more beyond measure. Just remember Him amongst the worst because He'll get you to the best.

Believing is knowing that something is real because you see it. Faith is knowing something is real because you're certain it's there.

I'm having a hard time believing because so much of what I see doesn't match up with my faith. I'm certain (have faith) that God is there controling everything. Yet what I see is so many people in this world out of control.

I know being a Christian is hard, having faith in God is hard yet I don't understand those who don't believe in God. God is everywhere yet so many refuse to see his works. But perhaps, so many don't recognize God anymore. I don't know why I have been blessed. There's a saying that my pastor always says.. Bless by choice not by chance... so am I making a choice to see God hence the blessing while other choose not to see God.

I'm trying my best to be the eyes for others. To let them know not only what I see, but what God sees. I see the broken, the hopeless, the jaded yet more than that I see how they can not be so broken, they can be filled with hope, they can be made complete.... but is it my place to think that they are broken without God...

Judas did exactly what was asked of Him, He sent Jesus Christ to the cross with a kiss.... the worst betrayal, But if He chose to follow Christ instead of betrayal... Jesus wouldn't have been sent to the cross..... Can it be that even when we are lost... in our moments of betrayal, we could be doing exactly what is asked of us by God. I just don't know. As you see, I'm lost amongst so many questions. I'm trying to seek the answers that the Lord wishes to give me but I know I'm blinded. Words of wisdom? let me know.

Waiting for His Love.

I think encompassing God's love has more to deal with than just waiting. I think we have to actively seek God's presence into our life. God's will prevail but this is one time were friction doesn't make sense. I think it appeases God when we don't just stand by and let His will be done but when we actively go and ask, "Hey, God what can I do for you today?"... I honestly think that is how every relationship is suppose to work.

For some weird reason that surprises me. God has manfested the perfect relationship. The ultimate sacrifice yet expections that we may never meet but hope for.

Just for me... straight from my heart.

I wish. For more than what could ever happen. I wish I was never hurt. I wish I could be as innocent as I once was. I want Him to be enough. I want to let everything go that keeps my heart guarded. I want Him to look at me and not see everything I've done, everything that I've been through... I want more. I want so much more than what I've been given in this life, so much more. I want to be complete. Completely His. I want to sign every letter... Yours... and know that with all of my heart I am His. That's He's accepted me for everything I am and for everything I want to be... and honestly for everything that keeps me failing. I'm so over this hurt. I'm so over feeling this way. I'm so over.

When I least expect it. He'll be enough. One day. In one moment.

I just pray I can wait till then
because honestly I don't know if I can anymore.

God's Love

I read this and was deeply moved. It is one of those moments/writings that rings with pure truth.
www.twloha.com

TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS.by Jamie Tworkowski
We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. I have seen that this week and honestly, it has been simple: Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she's known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true.We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home.

Am I the person who I ought to be...

I've come to understand that I am by no means a god, a superhuman, or anything remotely like these. I know...sounds obvious and awful. But I think that often times we get caught up in wanting to save those that we love. Or worse when we come to realize that sometimes even our best isn't good enough. We each have our moments that test us. I think these tests separate us to being the person we ought to be, with the person that we are. Sadly it makes us different from the rest the world. But my no means is it a super power.

When tragic things happen, I know I have often wanted things to just be fixed again. I want things to things to go back to normal. (Whatever normal happens to be.) But what if there is a selected few whose "normal" does happen to be saving others, and in the moment of tragedy they are leaning on others to save them. So for all that are close to them, it sucks for the time being.

The reality is that the world isn't going to be catastrophically changed if a regular human decides to do or not do something. But what if those whose "normal" is saving others, decide to take the day off. What if for whatever reason, could life truly be altered by what one person does or doesn't do.

So next question, how in the world can we tell whether or not we are one of those whose "normal" isn't normal at all.... Will it be too late when we finally notice?

But like I said earlier, what makes us different are the experiences we have faced. The person we are and the person we ought to be. Striving to save those who maybe we can't. Striving to be the person who make this world a good place, when in reality this world isn't our home. Striving to be a leader, when all we get to be is second best. Striving for perfection, when we never will be.

So all this to say once again, that God gives us this marvelous opportunity. To be the person we ought to be rather than the person we are. My hope is that whether I get to be what I ought be.... My hope is that I never stop striving to be.

God will be my strength.

Life royally sucks for every good person that is out there. I wish I could tell them everything was going to be okay. I wish I could take their pain away. This world royally sucks and the sad thing is it is only going to get worse. Young men shouldn't be crying like this and feeling grief, sorrow and anguish like this. I only know that God hears the groans of everyone that misses her and everyone that's praying for those who miss her. I just wish I had words to tell them to make things a little bit better. Just a little bit better.

I know I have my faith. God promised He would be my strength and He's keeping me strong. I know that He promised there would be a way when there is no way. So I pray that the police find who killed her. God said not to lean on my own understanding but to lean on His so I hope that one day we all will understand what happened. God promised that the Love of Christ could never be separated so I pray that everyone under this feels God's love right now.

I will keep praying because that is the only thing I am sure of right now.

Being misunderstood

Misunderstood By Wideawake

under the surface
we're all the same
searching for purpose
running from shame
I'm sorry I'm not all the things that you want
all the things that you thought i would be
i guess im not like you,
not something you're used to
maybe something brand new
you've never seen

i wish i could read your mind,
be one of your kind,
i missed you in my time, misunderstood
i wish i could somehow be
all that you want from me,
I' m in good company

I got your letter, but tell me who's to blame,
and do you feel better, causing me pain?
So much pain.
I'm sorry I'm not all the things that you want
all the things that you thought i would be.
I guess im not like you,
not something you're used too.
maybe something brand new you've never seen.

I wish i could read your mind, be one of your kind.
I missed you in my time- misunderstood.
I wish i could somehow be all that you want from me.
I'm in good company- misunderstood. Misunderstood.
I kinda wish that i could be understood.

I'm sorry im not all the things that you want,
all the things that you thought i would be.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I wish i could read your mind, be one of your kind,
i missed you in my time- misunderstood.
i wish i could somehow be all that you want from me.
im in good company- misunderstood. Misunderstood.
I wish that i could be understood.

Under the surface- we're all the same

I wish I had heard this song years ago. It is a song by Wideawake and if you go on their website is is available to listen to. www.wideawake.com I can't tell you enough how this lyrics could be the athem to my life. It truly explains my life... and obviously, I'm not the only one that has felt this way. If life is meant to be this way, and God is the only one that will "understand" me... then what else am I searching for. God is suppose to be enough. Enough joy, enough life, enough peace... enough love.

But I know that God wants to use each of us to be an extension of who He is. If we can truly reflect God, then perhaps "all the things that I will be" will still be misunderstood but I could find peace in that. God told us that we could never comprehend Him. So in relation to that maybe there is a part of us that we will never be able to comprehend since we are created in His image. For "under the surface- we're all the same", we were made by the same creator by the same awesome God. Uniquely designed yet still reflecting Him.

So I can't wait for the day that I will be His kind until then... "I wish I could read your mind, be one your kind". Truly belonging to Him and only Him... even if it means being misunderstood.

Bruised and broken... and the Beauty of It

For the first time, I don't know exactly what to write. Normally I write whatever is on my heart or in my life but honestly both are broken right now. Very broken. I'm sitting here wanting and wishing for more.

I think that just may be the problem. I know that in my life I want everything to perfect especially me. I want the right friends, the right schedule, the right attitude, the right life.... Well, maybe if I was sooo perfect- that would be the major problem. See, there is beauty that I think only God can truly see when we are not so perfect. When we are truly bruised and broken, we finally allow God to fix us. There is a true beauty that is amazing when we stop reflecting ourselves and reflect God. There's a saying I always say, less of me means more of Him. Well, if my heart and my life were so perfect then they wouldn't be His. We are God's kids because we're bruised and broken. But in the same way that Christ became bruised and broken... the beauty is that God does "fix" us. We don't have to be bruised and broken. And if we are, there is beauty in it because then that means we not only need God but we desire Him. Now don't get me wrong, it is of course better to want a relationship to be perfect with no problems and no pain. But having a saved relationship that has gone through problems and pain and yet restored itself is just as wonderful. Just as beautiful.

So I'll take this bruised and broken time as another time to restore me to my first beauty. I, after all, am created in His Image, God's Image and there's nothing more beautiful than that. So here's to being God's bruised and broken kid, the beautiful people.