standing frustrated

I wrote this over a year ago... word for word... the sad thing is that most of this is so much more true as it is today. I have this habit of writing letters to my future husband and usually it is a mixture of my thoughts and what I want him to know. Weird, my feelings still haven't really changed... God is moving me still but truth is truth. It doesn't change from day to day. That's the true reality and in a way it comforts me because I know deep down inside the times when God reveals to me the truth, I know I can stand firm. Stand in what he wants for me no matter the time, place, or how. Comfort and peace to know His truth that is revealed to me...

Written Nov. 3rd 2005- Sometimes this world just stops in your perspective. I don’t understand how you can stand still and see the world swirl. Or you could keep swirl and the world is just sitting there watching you. Lately that is how I have felt. Some people care but just enough not to get too close… others just don’t get it. Either way… I am frustrated but not in a bad way just in a way that makes you ponder what make sense and after all who is the one that actually gets to decide the rules or standard. Whatever! Anyways life is just supposed to be that way, I guess. Love, life, and time… I swear they fall in place altogether. None make sense yet these are the things that measure who we are and what is true. I just don’t understand that and maybe I’m not supposed to understand it but hey can’t a girl still ponder. Anyways, so this God thing… I get it, sometimes, but honestly I don’t know where I am going and what I am doing. I haven’t asked him lately what is up. He is making my life peaceful a nd I don’t know if I like that. Why you ask, maybe because everything has been so hard. Finally my whole family thing is being solved…. Money thankfully not quite a big issue, but yet school is there staring me in the face. So many papers and tests to prepare for and of course I can’t seem to get any of it done. Due to yes having all of these issues ponder my mind. You know I’m reminded of you. I hope that when the time comes you’ll know and be able to convince me too of that this thing called life actually does make sense, that time is as screwed up as I tend to feel, and love well that love is worth living day by day no that love will turn life into something indescribable, that only God can fathom. I think and I hope that I would love it that way. So here is to what my mind keeps thinking and what my heart keeps feeling. Secrets inside to me but now you know.