Once again life is different. Sometimes the things we once thought we wanted are not neccessarily the truth. Experiences change who we are- sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. Regardless, we are different. It reminds me of how in middle school- my friends would write a simple- stay sweet... stay cool... the list goes on and on, but really does anyone "stay" the same. We are shaped and molded by our daily lives and sometimes we don't even realize. I think I have tried too many types to stay the same. I've tried to adjust to how people what me to be while knowing full well that I'm just changing for the compromise. Why should that be the case though? I've tried too many times to be the mature one and step up. But maybe being the mature one is to not sacrifice who I am because it makes someone else feel better. I'm done being different instead I am going to be me. Thus this time around all of my experiences have hardened my heart and I can't adjust any more. It is that expression of there just isn't any more of me to give. I've got nothing left so for those who are wanting more, I can't. This time is different because I have had enough.
The other reality is that in the long run God is the only one who has all of me. Ultimately, that is the way I want it. For those that are seeking him, then those are ones that will find harmony with me. I can only give what has purpose. I only want to give what has purpose in all that I do. School, work, friendships, relationships... if God isn't at the center then ultimately it leads to no where. I think that is my main problem but thankfully God is working on it. He knows that I can't weed out the bad because I adjust too many times. So He is testing me to see how much I want Him at the center. I know the sacrifice I give to Him isn't a sacrifice but a treasure and a gift that is more than I will ever know.
So if people want more of me, they have to look to God-not me. Simple as that.
