Love

Love-- it does a wonder of things. It is what sent Jesus Christ to die on the cross and to rise again. It is what feeds the hungry children of Africa. It is what makes a father smile as he holds his daughter's hand. It can make us go to hell and back. It can make us go to heaven and back.

It is the one thing that scares us yet we all still long for it. Some of us can't handle it when we find it, some of us can't recognize it when its present, some of us don't trust it, and some of us are completely blessed when we find it. It can make the most difficult thing seem a little easier, and it can make the most simplest thing so hard to do.

For those who never find love, I cry for you. For those who haven't found love yet, keep looking but know that love comes when it needs to. For those who already have love, know how blessed you are and enjoy it for all it is worth. For those of you who have lost love, know that the strength you'll find in losing love will pull you'll through.

Here's to love and all of its' forms.

standing frustrated

I wrote this over a year ago... word for word... the sad thing is that most of this is so much more true as it is today. I have this habit of writing letters to my future husband and usually it is a mixture of my thoughts and what I want him to know. Weird, my feelings still haven't really changed... God is moving me still but truth is truth. It doesn't change from day to day. That's the true reality and in a way it comforts me because I know deep down inside the times when God reveals to me the truth, I know I can stand firm. Stand in what he wants for me no matter the time, place, or how. Comfort and peace to know His truth that is revealed to me...

Written Nov. 3rd 2005- Sometimes this world just stops in your perspective. I don’t understand how you can stand still and see the world swirl. Or you could keep swirl and the world is just sitting there watching you. Lately that is how I have felt. Some people care but just enough not to get too close… others just don’t get it. Either way… I am frustrated but not in a bad way just in a way that makes you ponder what make sense and after all who is the one that actually gets to decide the rules or standard. Whatever! Anyways life is just supposed to be that way, I guess. Love, life, and time… I swear they fall in place altogether. None make sense yet these are the things that measure who we are and what is true. I just don’t understand that and maybe I’m not supposed to understand it but hey can’t a girl still ponder. Anyways, so this God thing… I get it, sometimes, but honestly I don’t know where I am going and what I am doing. I haven’t asked him lately what is up. He is making my life peaceful a nd I don’t know if I like that. Why you ask, maybe because everything has been so hard. Finally my whole family thing is being solved…. Money thankfully not quite a big issue, but yet school is there staring me in the face. So many papers and tests to prepare for and of course I can’t seem to get any of it done. Due to yes having all of these issues ponder my mind. You know I’m reminded of you. I hope that when the time comes you’ll know and be able to convince me too of that this thing called life actually does make sense, that time is as screwed up as I tend to feel, and love well that love is worth living day by day no that love will turn life into something indescribable, that only God can fathom. I think and I hope that I would love it that way. So here is to what my mind keeps thinking and what my heart keeps feeling. Secrets inside to me but now you know.

Different

Once again life is different. Sometimes the things we once thought we wanted are not neccessarily the truth. Experiences change who we are- sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. Regardless, we are different. It reminds me of how in middle school- my friends would write a simple- stay sweet... stay cool... the list goes on and on, but really does anyone "stay" the same. We are shaped and molded by our daily lives and sometimes we don't even realize. I think I have tried too many types to stay the same. I've tried to adjust to how people what me to be while knowing full well that I'm just changing for the compromise. Why should that be the case though? I've tried too many times to be the mature one and step up. But maybe being the mature one is to not sacrifice who I am because it makes someone else feel better. I'm done being different instead I am going to be me. Thus this time around all of my experiences have hardened my heart and I can't adjust any more. It is that expression of there just isn't any more of me to give. I've got nothing left so for those who are wanting more, I can't. This time is different because I have had enough.

The other reality is that in the long run God is the only one who has all of me. Ultimately, that is the way I want it. For those that are seeking him, then those are ones that will find harmony with me. I can only give what has purpose. I only want to give what has purpose in all that I do. School, work, friendships, relationships... if God isn't at the center then ultimately it leads to no where. I think that is my main problem but thankfully God is working on it. He knows that I can't weed out the bad because I adjust too many times. So He is testing me to see how much I want Him at the center. I know the sacrifice I give to Him isn't a sacrifice but a treasure and a gift that is more than I will ever know.

So if people want more of me, they have to look to God-not me. Simple as that.

If each one of us...speaks

If each one of us could tell our story, speak our voice - what would we do with it? In a day of online blogs (like this one), my space, and facebook: each of us have an opportunity to speak. Never has our individual voice had more potential power than now. We can mask our pages and/or websites with a quote or song to express our we feel, place countless pics of friends/family for public view, and digitally connect ourselves with people we've never met or care for. So why now that we each possess an individual voice which has more power to voice meaningful messages, why now do we choose not to? When our parents came to countless protests, political rallies, lived through horrific situations and when our foreign neighbors till this very moment daily die and suffer for once their voice to be heard- What do we find in their efforts and trials - what do we find to speak? In an age of global communication- can we really say that we are choosing to speak with purpose or gladly choosing to still be blind with no voice? So many others try to speak on the behalf of those who can't: like Gary Haugen of International Justice Mission to speak for the unjust, the three college boys from Invisible Children for the children in Uganda, Queen Rania of Jordan for the women of the Middle East. Why is it that these people choose to truly speak when countless teens choose not to speak- or when countless students for thousands of universites choose not to speak.... are we not educated enough to voice a valued argument for the unjust, for the weak, for the voiceless. Can we just speak? Yes we can but will we, the "educated", speak? My prayer is that my generation will CHOOSE to speak.

He remains constant.

The Lord has literally turned my life upside down yet still remains constant in my life. I have learned that God is the only thing to trust in this world because truly He does not change. I find such peace in that. But at times that hurts too because so many others are chasing things that don't matter. It's true such things are meaningless. The other day I saw on a billboard that the purpose of life is a life of purpose. So what and who defines what is purpose worthy? After all we are not perfect so the choices we make must be imperfect too. But Jesus says that if we follow Him, the truth and the light- the only way to enter the kingdom of God is through Him... So the best choice I can make is to follow Him. It is working out right now, and when I think about it though are times where it is hard it has always been the best choice with the best results. So with the Lord remaining constant in my chaotic world, I choose to follow Him.

A little direction for my searching

My life, once again, is filled with drama. Thankfully, not my drama, but for everyone else. A friend, or so she says, keeps telling me that I am making bad choices, and that my other friends are making bad choices too. I just looked at her. She also told me that she saw potential in me and that my friends, the ones that know both sides of me, are going down a path of bad choices. I thought to myself- what makes you think that I am so much better than them. Or worse, what makes her so much better than them and me that she can sit there and judge. Just because someone makes a bad choice, doesn't make them bad. We are all sinners. We all fall short of the glory of God! None of us are perfect and that includes her and me. I don't understand this at all. Perfection is something that we will never achieve. We will continue to make bad choices, whether lots or little of them, we still will. However for me personally, I will still strive to be like Jesus, the only perfect one that has walked on this earth. My bad choices no matter how many of them will never separate me from the love of God, and if God forgives me, and doesn't see that sin anym0re - than who am I (or anyone else for that matter) to look upon sin and not forgive. Evil follows me just as I am sure that it follows everyone else. Some choose to join it, some choose to ignore it, and some choose to fight it. I must admit I sometimes ignore evil and sometimes I fight it. But I will never join it. I will never pass judgment because only God is that only. I may be searching for who I am, but I know who God is and I know if I keep my eyes on him then my life is in the right direction. God's direction.

Is it the means or the result?

Why is it that so many people don't understand me? Out of all of my friends, two know the real me. My family doesn't even know the real me. Why is that?
I am currently reading a book that is asking me to question Who I am? Not what I do, or what I like, or even what I believe in. That's just it-I am having a hard time dealing with this question because after all, the actions someone takes defines a person. If you like to read, that means you are a reader. If you write, then you are a writer. But this book is telling me no that, this doesn't count. I don't know. I guess maybe the reason why it seems that few really understand me is because at times I don't understand myself.
The things that I know intrinsically about myself are far different than how I act. I believe in love but I haven't had the chance to love yet. I believe in strength that has no boundaries but I set up walls all the time. I know I seem like a sad person but there is joy that I find in the world every day.
The other question I am having is that if there is so much evil in the world than why should Christians fight so hard knowing full well that evil will win every day that we live and knowing that Good will overcome all in the end. If what we do, really doesn't make a difference in the end then should be believe that the means of what we do matters. For example, if we tell the truth but want to tell a lie then as Christians this was wrong because we believe in the means not the end. Just a thought. That's all this is. Just my thoughts.

I am searching

I admit that the Lord is Lord of my life. But I often take it back, very often. So I am searching every day to hear his voice except I keep failing to see Him in the unseen but rather I try to see Him in the things that are in plain view. There is quote that says that, "When it is dark, you see the stars". This is obvious but somehow I keep forgetting that God is there in the mist of everything. Just because the sun is shinning, or it is a cloudy night, doesn't mean the stars magically disappear. This is my start to challenge myself to be accountable to what I say, do, and act and whether or not I really am being the Lord's child. Here is the start to really confront because sadly it has to be me and no one else. Here's to the search...